Suicide and Emptiness

Hey CSRI, I feel lost. Well, let’s start here .I am a twenty year old female in Kenya .I go to the university, my family is close knit by most standards and I legit have a lot of friends even though I haven’t seen them in a while; covid-19 happened . But then , I have a kind of unexplainable emptiness that comes and goes. To the world it looks like I am okay but inside I feel crushed, misunderstood and alone. Everything appears overwhelming. I struggle to cope with what’s going on around me or within me. I feel I simply don’t know enough about life to function properly, as if everyone except me received a manual on how to be a human. It feels like everyone is getting what they want and I am not ;I am stuck in some stage of life .I lose confidence in my ability even to do those things that I can usually manage. It is pushing me to the edge and makes me have suicidal thoughts. What do I do?

Hello, I understand what you are going through. Sometimes life pushes us to feel invisible even when people can see us. The way things are going at the moment, it is hard to figure out what life holds for you and why everyone is getting what they want and you are not. It feels like the universe is either withholding your needs or closing doors to your opportunities while giving answers to everyone else.

However should never be an option. Just writing here is a good sign that you still care. You are seeking help. Your life is hard. You don’t have what you wanted and you feel that you have no future. The pain is real. However the fact that you are aloof is what is making you feel it more. I mention this to point out it’s possible to feel lonely even when you are not alone, which proves that loneliness is something I carry inside of me, rather than something in function of who is around me but then those around you can help ease the intensity.

I wish I could tell you that there is an easy solution for you, but that’s not the case. Coping with the things happening in and around you is like taking a shower. You decide whether it’s cold water or warm water. If it is warm you go boil it and take it to the bathroom, if it is cold you be bold and freeze then shine. You’ll have to fight every minute, every hour and every day just to get better. I know you probably thinking that it’s enough and you don’t want to continue but then what if the shower will fix everything? So my dear, maybe finding a way to cope with things will kill the emptiness that is eating you inside out.

I might say in both cases you are right. You have every reasons according to you to end your life , but there is a part of you  that wants to live. That’s why you asked for help. It’s scary to know what’s on the other side, nobody knows. You’ll have to take small steps to become better. Just go one day at a time. Install an healthy routine in your life by eating, cleaning and mopping the space you live in. Your apartment is almost like your head. If you have only a bedroom that’s one thing less to worry about. Keep it clean or you’ll be more discouraged every time you enter it.

The best way to overcome the emptiness is to break it by becoming vulnerable. For me , sharing  my life publicly took me many years . Once I did it, I felt I’m more free than ever. It felt like I could access that manual everyone had and I did not on how to live .It is said energy is transmitted and hanging out with people will transmit their energy to you. You will not feel so alone and crushed. The closer you get to them the more they will understand you and see you for who and what you are.

I know you probably don’t want to, but meet people outside. The more the merrier (pun intended). Do sports activities; the satisfaction that comes from scoring a goal or running a mile or hitting the bulls eye will go along way in helping you feel better about yourself. Do self-development classes such as acting or painting or dancing ;the calm and relaxation that comes from that will help ease your mind. There must be something you can do. You probably have a passion of some kind. Stick with this. This is the life guard of your life; the key to ending the emptiness inside once and for all.