Suicide And Toxic Parenting

An 11 year old boy left this note;     

 “On this special day I want you to be the happiest mother ever. Every day you used to say that happiness left your life the day I was born. You told me dad also left because of me. So today, I want to change things. I want you to be very happy and live as if I never existed. You told me that you would never look at me with love but I always admired you as the best mom on earth. I hope one day you will think of me. I hope in heaven you will finally hold me and kiss me. The best gift I could have given you is leaving your life as you have always told me you wished I was never born. I love you mom. Happy birthday”,             

Look at the case above. What really caused the child to end his life? Was it an act of love and sacrifice or bending to pressure?

Toxic parenting is a menace that needs to be addressed. It ranges from the Inadequate Parent. Constantly focusing on their own problems, these parents turn their children into ‘mini-adults’ who take care of them. The Controlling Parent who dictates whatever happens in their children’s life .The Substance Abusers who are constantly distant, unpredictable and aggressive. The Verbal Abusers who hurl insults that demoralize their children .The Physical Abusers who keep beating up their children and leaving scars on them. The Sexual Abuser this are the worst kind as they stole the innocence of childhood. Recently, my friend joked about the government issuing licenses to be parents and I took it lightly but from where I stand right now ; I think it should be considered.

Toxic parents consistently behave in ways that cause guilt, fear, or obligation in their children. Their actions aren’t isolated events, but patterns of behavior that negatively shape their child’s life. Like the parent above, the constant reminder to the kid that happiness left her life when the kid was born and that his dad left her because of him and telling him she can’t look at her with love was toxicity. Why did she keep saying those words on repeat?

Toxic parents have numerous ways to go against their children. They lie, guilt-trip, manipulate, coerce, disrespect personal boundaries ,bully, threaten, ignore, judge, abuse, shame, humiliate, criticize and invalidate emotions and any feelings to the point the child learns not to express themselves and feel bad when they talk to, spend time with, or think about them. Nothing the child does is ever good enough. If they pass maths, the parent wants a physicist too. If they pass physics too, they want to know why they did not win the science contest. If they get to win the science contest, they’re asked why they don’t apply such winning passion at home .Basically nothing is enough for them.

A toxic parent seeks to completely control their child. They issue constant instructions regarding how to behave, what to wear, and what to do regardless of age and the child’s feelings. They also provide opinions, negative ones, on every aspect of their child’s life and consider themselves an expert to the point they act as if these are facts. Their tone of voice is often all it takes to either paralyze their child or galvanize them into automatic action even as adults.

When children are raised with nothing but criticism, judgment, emotional abuse, manipulation, betrayal and loathing, it’s only a matter of time before they take over from their parents, internalizing these practices and using them against themselves. The guilt trip builds up self-resentment and the need to make it right by their parents pushes them to the edge and they end up terminating their lives.

Children dealing with toxic parents have to remember one thing, they cannot change them. Since they depend on them, the best thing to do is to “ignore them “. Not taking all their words and actions to heart. That will make living at home easier

However toxic parents in adults can be dealt with by detaching yourself. Being close to them is like a trigger to them and you end up being a victim so find a way to keep a respectable distance. Updating them about your life may not be a good idea as nothing is good enough for them .Thus keep your life private from them .Unless it is necessary.

Remain confident when talking to them. The power they get to order you around is because you act like you are unsure about what you want .So if you are trying to break the chain of toxicity and control, be sure about what you want while addressing them. However, keep things as respectful as possible for all said and done, they are still your parents.

Remember, this has nothing to do with you. Beating yourself about it and trying to see why you and how you got yourself in that mix, then you will not break the cycle .This is about their pain, trauma ,disappointment and nothing to do with you .The sooner you realize that the faster your esteem is built and you break the cycle.

As CSRI we are here to help you deal with this toxicity before it pushes you to the edge. Follow our page to know how to handle such situations. For more conversations like this, follow our Facebook, hit us up on Twitter or Contact Us directly.